“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
Babe , the letter that I needed to write wasn’t for Max. I needed to write it to you.
This is really like Twilight and Shades of grey at the same time. I am Bella. You are Jake. But I’ll always be Team Edward. I was raised by Wervolfes but I’m a Vampire.
A vampire in Neverland. Where little Tinkerbell needs to leave Peter to spread love and light all over the world. And its Beauty and the Beast where Belle gets trapped in the beasts castle because she’s adventuring too much and trying to save her father…which means healing the world.
And my heart tells me who I will do it with. Its Max. Max is my Edward. Even though it doesn’t look like it at all.
Life is really about life and death. If we want to live we need to die first. This is the last death I will have to die before I finally enter Neverland. But I need to say goodbye to you before I go. There is not gonna be an us this time. I need to stay true to myself and listen to my heart, that’s what I promised myself. And I never break my promises. We will always be friends. We will always be connected. I will always love you. And it breaks my heart writing this. But we can only reach for the stars if we are true to ourselves and listen to our hearts, no matter what. Because they know the truth. Even though if the truth might hurt sometimes. But it only hurts because it protects you. Thats what pain is. If we wouldn’t feel pain, we would not be able to notice that something is wrong with our body. And we would die. This is why pain is an expression of love. And this is why we need to listen to the pain. Its a voice of our heart.
We need to learn to understand the different voices of our heart.
It can be confusing. Because the pain I feel wants me to protect from losing a part of me. Because this is what you are. And I love you.
I love you because your soul is my soul. And we can be together. But only as friends. Because my heart belongs to Max, no matter how much I don’t believe it because I don’t see it. But my heart knows.
I knew it right away. When I met you, I was so flashed by your eyes. I felt home. Because my heart was speaking with yours. Looking into your eyes was incredibly magic. I just saw how pure and enlightened your soul is.
But I also knew we wouldn’t be a couple, no matter how amazing you might be, no matter how much my heart beats faster when I see you, no matter how much I would love to cuddle up in your arms and kiss you, just relax and let go and finally take a rest from that fucking tough journey to the top where I am the only one who has my back and fuels myself with love and support. I really love the idea of falling in love with you and my heart already did, so I’m really crying my ass off while I’m writing this because I know what beauty I miss out on by cutting this off.
I know I would love you like crazy and we’d have an incredible time together. But I committed to all or nothing and that approach has never let me down on my rocky road to the top. Only when you burn all the bridges, you’ll win the battle. Because then you won’t have any other choice. And it breaks my heart big time because my soul is really just crying for some rest after all the shit I had to put up with since I am on this planet and all I deserve is that massive reward in form of an incredible relationship and its so tempting because you seem to be so perfect but I know that I am stronger than my emotions and there is a perfect match waiting for both of us. Mine is Max. This match is happier than perfect.
No matter how much I don’t want this silly annoying one legged red head idiot in my life because he is just rejecting and ignoring me and as much as I dont understand my higher guidance at all, I need to follow my heart and it clearly tells me to stay on track and just to be patient and compassionate with him and simply to perform better because he is my 100%. I need to make him understand. Because whenever someone doesn’t get what we are telling them it is our fault and we need to speak in a language that resonates with them.
This is totally the beauty and the beast. Belle wasn’t very happy about having to put up with him either. But once he finds his heart, everyone will wake up. The items will turn into people. We will light up the whole world.
Life is about making the right choices, not the easy ones. Sometimes that means we have to leave our loved ones behind even if it tears our hearts apart. I left everyone. I left my family. My beloved dogs. My friends. My career. My social circle. My reputation. My home. My whole life. I sacrificed everything. To fulfill my purpose. I need to make it to the top and teach the world EVERYTHING. Because I cracked all codes. And I’m the greatest teacher because I found out how to explain everything to everyone once I have understood it myself.
This is why I can’t settle for a 95% picture perfect life with you. I can’t stop walking now when I’m so close to the finish line. I didn’t choose to be that warrior. Life chose me and since I can think I knew that I needed to find that other warrior, who roars with me to light up the whole world.
My second half. Max.
We didn’t come to this planet as yin and yang. We came as two half yin-yangs. A very rare combination. This is why we can’t be without each other. This is why our souls are crying so desperately for the other one. And everytime I see a part of my soul in someone I just want to stay with them. Because I love my own soul so much that it hurts. And there is one soul out there that I love even more than my life. I found that one. Everything draws me to him. Its like a giant magnet. He isn’t ready right now. This is why he acts like he does. But I would wait for a thousand years. Because I know I belong to him.
So no matter how happy you and I would be together, sooner or later I’d leave you … with a broken heart. You haven’t seen any of that special gift yet, that angel that I really am as a girlfriend. I know who I really am and I know that if you had once experienced it, you’d never get over it or forget this kind of love. I might leave you with a painful memory. A memory that would hurt you so much that it would kill you every single day and take the life out of you. That is what happens when a vampire bites you. Sometimes, when your lucky, you survive and turn into a vampire yourself.
But you are already transformed. Into a werwolf. I am a vampire. A lion. And I fell in love with the lamb. The lamb that I will have to kiss awake with love. Because he’s actually a lion already. Lion only though. With a lamb inside. But the lamb in him is fragile. And asleep. I will fix that. That’s why I need to go and leave you. We are not meant to be.
This is why I’m not gonna show you all of my love. It would kill you once I take it away from you. I love and respect you too much to cause a pain that your heart would never forget. I put my values over my feelings, therefore I can’t be selfish and just jump right into this adventure. I decided to protect you.
I don’t need you to fuel myself with love when there’s only such a little chance that you’ll make it into my heart forever. I’m not gonna exploit you for your love and thereby risk to take the light out of your beautiful eyes, even if it hurts so much right now to say this. I can take the pain now, it would hurt you way more at any other point and I won’t let that happen.
All these tears show me how much love there is inside me and that there really still IS some magic. All these stories are real. Its been two years since I’ve felt so much love for someone and again, it ended, before it had even begun.
This is why Dave left me. He was just there to show me what was possible. But he was not meant to stay. Once we understand things, its easy. Once we understand the voices of our heart and soul.
You really touched my heart without touching my body. Thank you for sharing your wonderful light with me. I will hold you in my heart forever. I wish I could say that we can be a couple in another life. But this is my last one. My personal masterpiece. And just before the finish line, I met you. You were that angel right on the gateway to heaven. The last angel guiding my way. And the last angel testing me.
I won’t come back to this planet in another body again. Because this time, I will stay.
I will live forever. In a place so far away, we’ll be young thats how we stay. Every whish is a command, when we find ourselves in Never Neverland.
I will stay young forever. I will love forever. With the one I am meant to be with.
And forever is an awfully long time.
Too long to hold a memory in your heart that will dim the light of anyone else. Because once I love you with my whole heart, my light shines brighter than anyone else’s ever could. It would not be fair.
Only if we die we can live. I’ll make this one short and die for both of us this time, so you can keep living in the next dimension. With the one who is meant to be with you. And so can I.
Who knows if I’ll be ever able to fix that silly boys heart. I don’t even want to. But my heart speaks so loud that I can’t ignore it. And if I cant fix his heart, mine will never be fully healed. Because he is my soul. He is me. So I have to go. Because if I don’t try, I’ll never know. But the truth is: I know. I’m like Edward. He’s like Bella. Can’t wait to unleash his power and show the whole world how much there is inside him. And win the battle against the evil once and for all. By bringing enlightenment to the planet.
And even though I know where I am going, this is fucking hard and I hate it more than anything because it really rips my heart out, I don’t even know why. That’s when souls connect. they cry when you rip them apart. I really should write this goodbye to Max instead. Because he didn’t make any fucking impression to deserve the smallest glimpse of attention. “I’m 50 shades of fucked up Anastasia.” Yup, you are…Mister Grey.
I’d love to stay with you. My 50 shades of pixie dust option. Be little Kink in Neverland. With you. But I know I have to go to save you. And this planet. Because only if I team up with Max I will be able to access my full power.
A part of me is hoping that you just say: what if I fly?
that the prize is too good than not risking it. if so, you can give it a shot and go for my heart. I’m not gonna push you away. There’s a chance. But its very little. Because where I really belong. At least my heart does.
And the only thing that I can promise is that I will be honest with you at any second even if its hard because all I want is you to be happy.
Therefore you need to know that you play with the fire. It can warm you forever if you learn to dance with the flames. But it can also burn you once and for all. Maybe you’re a phoenix. Maybe to die would be an awfully big adventure. maybe this is just the universe testing me. Or you. Or us. Who knows.
Whatever happens…You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting. <3